The bit-tech Cheesecake Supertest 2

The bit-tech Cheesecake Supertest 2

Alex: Hello! And welcome to the second annual bit-tech and Custom PC Cheesecake test. The idea here is to…Oh my god, Harry isn’t even waiting for me to finish the preamble before he rips the top off the first of this year’s many cheesecakes.

Joe: Aw, now he’s embarrassed and trying to repackage it. That’s not going to work, Harry.

Harry: You can, look, I’ll just put the foil back on.

Alex: Right, well anyway, we’ve got six cheesecakes from some of the world’s finest local suppliers – otherwise known as supermarkets within walking distance. We’re going to eat all of them and try and make it out of here alive.

Rich: It’ll be a miracle if we avoid the cheese-sweats.

Joe: Does anyone have a preference about which one to start with?

All: Those Gü ones!


Joe: No, no. We’re saving the Gü ones for last. Let’s have this one. Gü is second. I’m a cheesecake tyrant! Let’s start with this Tesco Divine, Fruity and Smooth Raspberry Cheesecake. Best before December 24th.

Alex: I’ll be honest, this one looks pretty bog-standard. Nasty, clear plastic packaging, garish pink box.

Clive: What’s so celestial and mystical about it that it’s judged as ‘Divine’? Could this be the cheesecake of the gods?

Joe: Maybe. Let’s see what it says on the box. One sixth of this cheesecake contains 18 percent of your RDA of calories – 365 calories. 22g of sugar, 23.4g of fat. One slice gives you 33 percent of your RDA of fat.

Harry: Otherwise known as: Very Bad For You.

Alex: It’s not very big either – one sixth of this will not be a lot.

Clive: It doesn’t look very nice. It’s just got lumps of yuck on it. Jam?

Harry: When I was a student I used to eat one of these in a whole sitting, I’m afraid to say.

Clive: Wow. How are you not dead?

Harry: What can I say? I’m the Keith Richards of food!


Joe: I’m going to tuck in, as my fork is twitching in my hands and…that doesn’t look good, does it? It’s solidified on top.

Alex Crumbly base, it’s all just falling apart.

Harry: It’s gelatinous on top.

Joe: Nom, nom, nom. It’s cheap and mushy, but I actually quite like it. I’m having a little bit more.

Alex: It’s kind of average. You wouldn’t impress anyone by serving them that. The base is rubbish and doesn’t hold the cake together at all.

Harry: The base is very much just “I smashed some digestive biscuits and put cheese on”.

Clive: Yeah, we’re diving in with forks but if you tried to serve this with a cake slice then you’d be in serious trouble.

Joe: I’ve had three forkfuls already. I need to take a break.

Rich: That’s 33 percent of your RDA of cheese!

Harry: 33 percent is just the RDA of an average man though – Joe is no average man!

Alex: It doesn’t really taste of anything. Unless you get one of those big gobs on top, but they just taste of jam. You could just buy some jam. That’s a poor start. Shall we score it?

Joe: Let’s just choose a favourite at the end. The cheesecake tyrant has spoken and he says; moar!